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Jessamyn St. Germain is meant to be a star. Not an actor who occasionally books yogurt commercials and certainly not a lowly usher at one of Vancouver’s smallest regional theaters. No, she is bound for greatness, and that’s why the part of Maria in the theater’s upcoming production of The Sound of Music is hers. Or it’s going to be.
Jessamyn may have been relegated to the position of childminder for the little brats playing the von Trapp children, but it’s so obvious she’s there for a different reason — the director wants her close to the role so when Samantha, the lead, inevitably fails, Jessamyn will be there to take her place in the spotlight.
This must be it. Because if it isn’t, well, then every skipped meal, every brutal rehearsal, every inch won against a man attempting to drag her down will have all been for nothing.
📚📚
I love the humour in this story and the feminist take — how it’s approached with so much snark, wit, and irony. I also found the contrast between self-esteem and toxic overconfidence really interesting (or at least, that’s what I thought it was at first). How someone has to believe so hard in themselves to stay afloat, but at the same time forgets to nurture actual self-worth and ends up accepting things they shouldn’t — all for the sake of public image and ambition.
I definitely had a problem with the lead at first. Don’t get me wrong, I liked her witty and darkish side right from the beginning, but something felt off. What I struggled with was how she sometimes comes off like a total doormat, accepting every degrading situation and toxic relationship just to chase her ambition — and then other times she’s a full-on bitch, manipulating people like they’re not more than crap under her shoes. She’s way too much. A weird mix of overconfidence and a complete lack of self-esteem, to a really degrading level.
And then, around 30%, something shifted. It got darker. She got darker. Sharper. More interesting. Suddenly there was so much more depth in her inner monologue, giving real texture to her character in just a few pages. That was exactly what I felt was missing in the first part of the book.
Her inner thoughts about men? Priceless. The way it’s studied and approached is excellent. She definitely lives in some weird fantasy version of herself and the world around her, but at the same time she’s capable of deep, astute analysis of men, showbiz, parenting, and all those heavy, controversial topics — peeling back the fake paint. Still, she’s the queen of “I’m so stubborn I sabotage myself.” She reminds me of those people who romanticise something — a person, a place — and build their whole life around it. Defending it, promoting it, doing everything for a dream based on an fake image they created, and then starting to believe their own lies and fantasies, even when people who actually live it tell them it’s not what they think. And even though I liked her development, she’s still deeply unlikeable and nerve-grating (but with reasons. Kind of).
The rhythm is weird sometimes. It’s like rolling hills with different energies — shallow, then deep, then in-depth, then dark, then funny, then kind of boring because of how stupid she looks and so deep in her own bullshit, and then dark again with more backstory and filling information about her past… I really struggled at times to keep going, and then two chapters later I was totally hooked. And again. And again. It can be overwhelming but I kind of like that.
Then I got it. Why she’s like this. The roots. And it’ll just blow your mind because you’ll finally understand and everything knots together around 70%. So the whole time you kind of hate her for being stupid, determined, and shallow — and then you get it. And you rethink everything you just read and go: damn, that was actually pretty good! Darkly good. Wicked, wicked author!
It looks like a fun, light, witty, kind of superficial story at first — but don’t be fooled. It’s awfully dark once you scratch the surface. You just need time to see it. It’s a real gem for me because the way it’s written, slowly, painfully, peels back the bad stuff, step by step, until suddenly, with just a few masterfully placed pieces of information, you’re asking yourself if you even read the first part of the book properly. The author completely managed to take my hand (or hijack my brain and heart) and lead me exactly where they wanted, at exactly the right moment, knowing exactly what I’d feel — and aiming for it. That’s wild. I’m not an easy reader for this kind of process because I need time, and I need to root for the character — and she’s not easy to root for (impossible in a way). But by the end, it’s just a mountain of feelings (good and bad), and kind of overwhelming in a good way.
It’s a hymn to how some men can destroy a woman — and then let her finish the job herself, through self-hatred and self-destruction, all wrapped in a familiar pattern of toxic control disguised as renewal.
The ending? Kind of weird, even for me. You’ll see.
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